The Hollywood Midlife Crisis

There comes a time in your life, where (if you’re a regular hollywood movie buff) after having seen enough movies, you start seeing a pattern in them. You start typecasting films into genres- and I don’t mean just “science-fiction, “thriller”, “action”, et al. You will classify them into categories, based on their storylines... Now, you might not exactly know what I’m saying... because I believe you can’t completely identify with whatever I plan to write in this post without having seen enough films... I wish to share some that come to mind right away... So let’s start!

Doomsday’s here – This is the kind of storyline which is likely going to be something like this – A meteor is going to hit the earth (Armageddon), or the aliens are going to attack (Independence Day), or the earth will perish (Day after Tomorrow)... so the US Govt. gets together a team which will invariably use a nuclear bomb (WMDs can be useful as well!) in their plan. This of course, includes other variants like the earth’s core is slowing down (The Core) and the like! Other countries are useless and counting on Uncle Sam to save the world... Cold War enemy Russia, at times, is given a more proactive role... typically, by allowing access to a Soviet sub or maybe a helping hand in the form of a charming blond Russian with the typical “don’t mess with me Gringo, I know martial arts” attitude..! This typically happens when the Americans and Soviets have common enemies... (A few James Bonds and Iron Eagle for example)

Robots will take over by 2050 – Man created the Artificial Intelligence that eventually led to its doom... The Cyborgs form an army and fight for global domination (Terminator Series), or that machines silently took over the world without man even knowing it and whatever you see is an illusion, a computer program... this coupled with some philosophy about everything that has a beginning has an end – yep,...no points for guessing! Matrix... Then of course, there are scriptwriters who actually have faith in the inherent goodness of computers, and proclaim that a few black sheep bring disrepute to the race (I, Robot)...

Military experiment/Lab Experiment gone horribly wrong – Man oh man... you just have to see one of these! Species, Invasion of the Body Snatchers (don’t remember whether it started out as a military experiment though), The Fly, Jurassic Park, Godzilla, fall in this category... The Resident Evil Series also comes under this one...! Yep..the military wants cutting edge weapons, which are, by the way, never likely going to be used in an actual battle... but still, funding continues until a mutation is produced... Mutation takes revenge... yawn... and oh yes... the experiment has some hi-tech name... ala “nemesis” program of Resident Evil...


Mindless Action/ What was in the case endings – The tagline is inspired by Ronin... There are bloody scenes... men fighting men with the deadliest of weapons... for what??? You don’t get to know even after the movie ends...! probably giving the director enough room to squeeze in a sequel... Mission Impossible 3 is another example... The bad guy manages to kidnap Tom’s wife... Tom hatches a plan - jumping off buildings at angles... landling on the other one... sliding down the glass and shooting the bad guys on the way... (you begin to wonder whether IMF holds campus recruitments in MIT...) to get what the bad guy wants in exchange for his wife... most people in real life situations would reply with a “that’s okay... you can keep her..”!

Bomb somewhere in the city – Terrorists have possession of a deadly bomb which has been planted somewhere in the city... or is going to be planted in the city... but only one cop finds out where it is..or stops it from getting planted! Oh..and the terrorists are from either Germany or from the Middle East (Die Hard, True Lies, Ultimate Force, Next)

Spy Games – One of my favourites... If you’ve seen enough of these, you’ll know that the CIA’s headquartered at Langley in Virginia... and that there is a wall where stars indicate heroes who died in the field... Most of these kinds have twists in the end... Usually, there are two protagonists – a young and an old... (Spy Game, The Recruit, Breach). You also learn that all CIA assets are dispensable!...

Baseball/Basketball Loser turns winner at the end of the movie – Supposedly inspirational movies where the team gets its act together and finally wins the playoffs... the hero kisses his girlfriend at the end of the movie...

Graduation day’s here; getting drunk is the only thing we can think of… - OK..so you’re about to go to college and these are the last days of ur high school… how can things ever be right?? (or at least that’s the impression you get!) Oh... and how can we forget the cut-throat competition for the Prom Queen...! There’ll be some hot chick who’ll bitch about the “good girl” and somehow both will end up not getting the crown!... oh... but the good girl gets the guy... who invariably is the captain (as opposed to a goalkeeper or maybe a defender) of the Football/Basketball team... These films make you wonder whether these are the only games that are played there!... Oh and there’ll be some rich kid who’s parents are out of town and she/he has agreed to her house being the venue for the party. Later on, she/he spends more time on telling the fellows at the party not to spoil the rug, or the sofa, or the lawn... and all these houses are equipped with a swimming pool... and our graduating couples find a bedroom upstairs to have sex... (Can Hardly wait, Girl Next Door, Eurotrip, American Pie Series)

Spend more time with your family movies – Chuck work... your kids need to spend time with you.... and family time means going for a picnic! But midway the director realizes that he needs to make the film more balanced to make it more marketable... so films of this genre toe the line – ok... you can work... but don’t neglect your family. (Click, Bruce Almighty, Evan Almighty)

Watch till the end to uncover what is really happening – There are some really interesting movies in this category. The suspence or the twists unfold at the end.. All the whodunits fall in this category. There aren’t any “characteristics” that can describe these films but I can give you examples – Psycho, Wild Things (you’ll lose count of the no. of twists this one has!), Memento, Lucky Number Slevin, Snatch, Fight Club, Sphere, etc.

And this, is not an exhaustive list! You start yearning for different kinds of movies... once you hit the Hollywood midlife crisis... while action films can still continue to thrill you, directors need to really churn out something other than the cliched.